Why is it so hard to ask for support?
I am aware that I do not find it easy to ask for support, and that in the not asking that it is often to my detriment. I am often find myself sitting in my ugly, uncomfortable situation, rather than moving out of my comfort zone of "looking good" (even when I am feeling really shitty and miserable and stressed and......you get the feeling!!). It seems as though I would rather stay in that space of misery rather than asking for support, so that I can move into a space of feeling a whole lot lighter. It's like I have to be superwoman and do it all on my own - WHY???? WHAT FOR???
And I want to share an experience I had this week that has helped me shift some of this at deep inner level. My son needed something and I was not able to provide it and I was really beating myself up about it - because me stewing in my point of view, as his mother, felt that I was solely responsible for him and I should (such a critical word) be doing the providing directly. Well, after spending quite a few hours like this, I had a function I needed to go to - so got in my car, not really wanting to go, and luckily I had the awareness to give myself the space to let some other options pop into my head as I drove along. And one did, and I followed up on that gut feeling straight away and called this person, who I would not usually ask for support from.
And the support was agreed to just like that - no resistance whatsoever. Where I feel that I got it right, was I told the story from a space of acceptance, rather than please rescue me (this is key) - this is the reality of where I am at - and can you support me? - if you can great, if you can't, also great. And in that space of being vulnerable, yet authentic (because it is VERY hard for me to admit that I'm not being superwoman), the person I called stepped into the space and agreed to support me with what I was asking for.
And what I have come to really get from this experience - is that I AM supported, often in the most unexpected ways and from the most unexpected people and that there is nothing wrong in reaching out to others for support - that they actually feel valued when I do that. And I get that, as humans, we need to support one another, both in the asking and the giving. AND that by allowing that support, that I still provided what my son needed, just in a different way. That all the providing does not have to come directly from me. That I am actually being more powerful when I can ask for support when I am not in a position to give it. What this also opened up for me is to be open to other possibilities and not to think that things need to be done in a certain way - and that when I live in the space of feeling that there are any number of ways to find a solution (rather than feeling like there is no solution and only a bad situation) - then amazing things can - and do - happen. Man, isn't this journey of being human wonderful??!!
Go on - have a support -filled weekend!
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With the greatest love
Kim
xxxx
Thank you Kim for reminding me of some of the lessons I have had to learn regarding this issue.
ReplyDeleteI too experienced many challenges (they're less intense now than about 5 or so years ago) when even thinking of asking for help or support. For me it seems to stem from a feeling of being seen as helpless or hopeless.
At the beginning of this week we had to finish marking exam scripts and submit the marks for compilation. I have a huge marking load, probably one of the biggest on our staff. Several teachers who had completed their marking offered to assist but I knew that they wouldn't be able to mark the exam scripts as well as it should be marked or rather, as well as I would mark them as they were not familiar with the course content! So, I declined their help and battled on. On completing my work, I felt really good at having pushed myself to meet the deadline!
Even if my colleagues were familiar with the course content, I would still not have accepted their help because I would've felt guilty about accepting help when I knew that had I spent a little more time marking (and less time doing those 'other' things we choose to do rather than focus on doing the 'urgent' stuff), I may have completed my task earlier.
I know my example is different to the one about your son. However, I too have had to learn to ask for help and support from family and friends and it wasn't an easy thing to do initially. Since we are taught to be independent and self-sufficient from an early age and then later taught to 'make do' with what we have, I used to see my asking for support as going against these teachings! And of course, they're not. I have discovered that the people who have kindly assisted me saw it as almost a a 'privilege' to help me out.
Hi Kralla
DeleteYes, I think that we have to see and be aware of the gift that we are giving to the other person when we are asking for support and it in no way diminishes, rather it can be very empowering!!
Hope you get to have a realxing rest in the holidays!!
Kim