Wednesday 16 January 2013

The Rough Rub of Resistance


The Rough Rub of Resistance

 
Oh, boy… the twists and the turns of the journey are really reflected for me in the quote above.  I have been avoiding writing, mostly because I am grappling with resistance within me right now and knowing that what I am dealing with would be perfect to write about in my blog.
 
I am very fortunate to have some special people in my life who really value me and hold a tension, a space for me where I HAVE to look at myself as they mirror back to me how they experience me.  This is done with the greatest love as they take a stand for my greatness.  And the mirror is sometimes hard to look at.  Sometimes I am shown things that I have not been aware of before, and sometimes I am shown things that I don’t want to see, some things that I don’t like about myself. And yes, I can choose to ignore them and just supress them, or I can choose to really look at them and work with them. 
 
And this happened just the other day – a mirror was held up to me and I resisted BIIIIGGGG time! I knew I needed to look at it if I want the results in my life to be different.  In this particular aspect of my life, I keep experiencing results that are way less than desirable and yet when it comes to really looking at what is going on, I wriggle and squirm and I go into huge denial  with huge resistance  as I am having to face a truth about myself that I have not seen before.  I experience this resistance as a physical thing, I have all these reactions in my body where I feel like I want to push away the energetic force of the words that are being said to me.  I feel uncomfortable and fearful and confused  and most of all I just felt like vomiting – afterall I am feeling as though in some aspects I have been living a lie and I don’t want to acknowledge that. 
 
One of the things that I do believe I am, is courageous and so I let myself squirm and feel totally out of my comfort zone – not liking at all what I was hearing and in some respects feeling like there was something wrong with me (tapping straight back into my old patterns of feeling like I am not good enough).  The courage comes in acknowledging the harsh reality of what I have created and where I am at and looking at what is actually going on, really feeling those uncomfortable feelings and then working with them. And with this comes the knowing that what I am feeling is actually a part of my healing, that I need to experience what I am feeling in order to heal and to grow – it is a vital part of the journey! Make no mistake about it, I need to FEEL the resistance so that I can grow!!
 
Some of the processing that I do is to look at where in my life I experienced this feeling first , not as a means of laying blame, but rather as a point to support me in changing my mind.  Let me expand further.  When I look at how I am being and compare myself to my sister, who was brought up by the same parents, and see how different she is in her being, I can see that the blame does not lie with our parents but rather in that I made a choice as to how what I was experiencing would impact me, just as she made a choice – just a different one.  And in recognising that I made a choice at that point in my life, this means I have a choice in making it different now too.
 
And in that comes the understanding that all I have to do is change my mind and in the changing of my mind, I can then shift the results I am experiencing in my life. It is as simple as that – never said it was easy but it is simple.  So that’s where I am at right now… in the grappling with my ego to change my mind, and I work on it in my own way, I journal, I meditate, I talk it through with people who hold a safe space for me….  And for me this one is huge, so I am seeing it as a process. When I make that real shift and really DO change my mind, the implications will be profound for me. And I don’t feel like it’s far away, I feel like I have a stronger purpose, that my intent is clearer so that I can take more direct action and that I am taking a deeper level of responsibility for how I am experiencing my life. I can feel that I am becoming more focused and more directed in the results that I want in my life. It’s a deep internal feeling that has the sharpness of an arrow that when directed and unleashed will take me exactly to where I want to be.
 
I love and I honour those of you who have been sharing this particular resistance to my hearing some truths about myself  and thank you for seeing the greatness in me and creating a space for me to take my own stand for my own greatness. This connection that we have is sacred and is what makes the journey so profoundly magical!

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With the greatest love - till next time

Kim
xxxx




Wednesday 2 January 2013

Bridging the Chasm of Disconnection


Bridging the Chasm of Disconnection

 
 
My take on relationships (of any sort) is that they are a very necessary part of the magic of the human journey - they are probably the things that we grapple with most and can learn from best, and yet, so often, we conduct our relationships with a such a lack of awareness of the other person/people and then still wonder why they don't work!!
 
It is this space of awareness in relationships that I am exploring and realising how much I assume and how much I let the "stories" in my head create these assumptions that may or may not be correct. And then when I operate from these assumptions, I am not operating in awareness of the other person and then, oh boy! the shit can hit the fan!!! And sometimes the results of operating in this space of being less consciousness can create less than desirable results in the relationship - it can cause hurt, misunderstanding and a real disconnection.....
 
Just the other day, I found myself in this space of disconnection, without even knowing how I had got there (lack of awareness and operating under my own assumptions - I saw in hindsight). I was taken aback, I had caused someone huge pain, and had made them feel really angry and unsupported, and I did all that with a total lack of awareness.  It took me a while to realise that was something not working but I was unsure of what the hell was going on.  Once there was a opportunity to ask what was going on, there was not the space to discuss it and I had to walk away from it for a period. Now, this relationship is very important to me and while my style is to engage and grapple with what's going on right away rather than sit and stew and create all sorts of scenarios in my head, I had to give up on that and walk away from the situation (only overnight - so not that long!!).  It is not easy for me to walk away for a bit, at the same time, because this relationship is that important to me, I found that in the period that I had before we could talk about what was going on, that I consciously gave myself the time to become aware of the other person and  in this space of wanting to be more aware to consider what might work when we did get to engage about what had happened.
 
It is a beautiful thing when we can work through these disconnections together and create a bridge over this chasm is created when we disconnect.  The reality is that things will crop up in relationships, buttons will be pushed, we will hurt others, we will be hurt.... the magic lies in how we manage these issues, so that we don't end up with a chasm that divides us totally. 
 
So, with having had the time to process, when we were able to create the space to engage with each other, I felt able to ask what was really happening for the other person, and then I could could look at what responsibility I had in creating the disconnect that had happened and then to look at what I could do in the future so that I do not cause the same hurt again - to strive to work from a space of conscious awareness of myself in relationship with the other person. It is magical to be part of a relationship where we want things to work, where we are prepared to give the other person the space to express themselves, without the need for it to be a ranting or blaming session, where we can both look at where our responsibility lies in what happened and to look at how we can manage it differently in future.
 
And in engaging in this way, that is gentle, seeking to deepen our awareness of the other person and also ourselves, and focusing on how what we have learned to make things work better in future, that we were able to move into a space that feels more intimate and more connected - this for me is key for creating connected intimate relationships... this is the magic!!
 
So......how do you manage the disconnections in your relationships??
 
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With the greatest love
Kim
xxxx