Engaging my Inner Child
Ahh, yes, we say, yes…. get in touch with your inner child…. Hmmmm…. So what is this all about… we say it and nod our heads sagely and agree that this is something that we should do… but what does it really mean and why is it coming up for me right now??
Just in the past week, the idea of getting in touch with my inner child (my young me) has come up in VERY different environments and with very different experiences. And why do I think it’s important, important enough to share? My thinking is that the more I can engage with my inner child, the more I can heal and the more I can grow. So how is this manifesting for me right now??
As some of you know, my friend Tonia and I run Conscious Conversations (a structured conversational experience for women) and when we were planning this last week’s session, I had this strong feeling that we should be engaging our inner child…. And as the universe would have it, it was woven into our evening in the most magical way, through our meditation, through our discussion on what freedom really means and through our picking something to do from our freedom list to do this week. I chose to have some time to play with water this week (I am a waterbaby of note, so love things I can do in the water!!). So I started off the week, not quite sure how I wanted to play with water and then on Tuesday inspiration struck… yes my inner child jumped up and down shouting: “Listen to me!! Listen to me!!! “ It was my birthday on Wednesday and what she was saying was: “Go and play, have fun….. go to the waterslides in Muizenberg !!!” Yes, I love the waterslides, the sense of freedom, the space to just let go and be carried along and to get out of my headspace!! And of course not only was my inner child delighted, so were my kids and they had me playing with them all afternoon!! I realise that I don’t play often enough, that I don’t give myself the space to allow myself to have the freedom to just be for a while, engaging in the moment – it was a glorious way to celebrate my birthday!!
And the universe works in magical ways – these are not random happenings, they do happen for a reason and we get what we need to deal with. All this playing with my inner child gave me the space to explore another aspect of my inner child, which in turn gave me an insight into myself that I have been aware of but have not really engaged with before. This has to do with my upbringing and with how I felt I was treated (bearing in mind that there is no blame here, only an awareness of my feelings as a child) So, in the deep, dark of that same night, when I couldn’t sleep and feeling like I had had a lovely birthday, I found myself engaging with all these feelings from my childhood and really getting into touch with what that little girl felt and how she still feels today. I felt how she was feeling physically and I could see her so clearly. And in that moment I experienced a great deal of emotion, emotion that was a physical thing, I could feel it coursing through my body with the predominant emotion being anger, with probably the greatest of the anger being directed at myself – anger at really experiencing the realisation (rather than being in my head about it) that I had allowed myself to be treated in this manner, that I had allowed others to treat me as someone less, as someone who was not quite good enough, as someone who could never quite get it right. I could feel the little girl inside of me getting very MAD about it all and could feel a very real feeling of wanting to SCREAM out in rage. I didn’t actually scream then AND I will access that rage and I will vent it in a space that is safe for me (and others) to really RAGE. My sense is that once I start engaging this little girl in me that I will release some old blocks, blocks that impact many aspects of my life, blocks that I have created to hide myself behind – this feels like something momentous for me, like this is one of those watershed moments.
And as I am busy writing this I have a further AHA!! I realise that the more I play with my inner child, the more I can access the hurting inner child, the more I can heal myself…… aren’t we amazing beings…..
And to add....
*Note to self…… this blog was written a month ago and not posted…. Something in that to explore when I consider how much I enjoy writing this blog, why have I not found the time to write…..*
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With the greatest love - till next time
With the greatest love - till next time