Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Those Life-Defining AHAs!!!!

Those Life-Defining AHAs!!

Have you ever had one of those life-defining moments – where something that’s been there all along just jumps up and smacks you in the face and you think AHA!! I just really GET it now!!
I had one of those a couple of days ago.  I was assisting on a Harlequin course – which is something that I do fairly regularly. I take my own development very seriously and the Harlequin work is a powerful experience to take yourself to another level. I always find such value in assisting as I feel I keep getting a deeper insight into myself each time – none quite so profound as this one though.
Christopher was talking about relationships, which to me is really what we as humans are here to experience, for it is through being in relationship that we really learn what it is to be human…. Anyway, I digress…. Christopher used the age old story about the toothpaste cap being left off   you know the one where we get our knickers in a knot (my words, not his) over the small stuff and it’s in how we choose to react to all the stuff that determines how we relate.  Now there are a number of ways to react to the “lid left off the toothpaste” scenario…  we talked of a number, including leaving the relationship…  And this is where I had my AHA! Christopher said something along the lines of that if you choose to leave the relationship, make sure it’s because it’s your choice and NOT because he “left the toothpaste cap off”!!  And KABAM!! I had that life defining moment , that AHA, that huge, momentous insight– I realised that even after all this time (I am talking years here!!) and all the personal work I have done, that I still blamed my ex for the break-up of our relationship!!  And in that moment I set myself AND him free!!  Oh yes, I had intellectualised that I took responsibility for my part in the breakdown of the relationship and it was all in my head – but deep down I still blamed him – he was at fault, it was because of all the things he did or didn’t do!!
It was very freeing to come to that realisation – in that instant I have changed my life, and his, and most definitely my children’s.  It means that I am coming from a very different space when I talk to him or about him and others will hear and sense that in my voice.  It creates a much more positive energy, a much safer space for my kids to explore their relationship with him. It gives him the space to engage with the children in a much more constructive space if he so chooses. They will all sense this and they may not necessarily know why or how, but they will feel the difference.

And I am also aware that I have not come to this realisation alone.  In a very real way I was primed for the realisation. My special relationship is one where the space is held very tightly for me to really look at how I am being and there has been plenty that has come up for me in the last couple of weeks around my ex for various reasons.  My partner would not let me wriggle off the hook, no matter how much I tried to abdicate a deeper level of responsibility in making sure that my children have a connection with their father and I realise that all my resistance, my anger and my tears were coming from a space of blame all along.  And he just held fast in his belief that I should not give up, that I have the responsibility to my children to shift and in the shifting make things work for my kids.
And I realise too, that in coming to this insight about me and in my freeing myself, it allows for a further deepening in our relationship too. It creates a safer space for both him and me, where he knows I will take responsibility for how I react to what goes on for me in our relationship.  And for the space that he holds for me I honour him – he stands for me acting in integrity for my own good and therefore for those around me too – that makes me feel valued in way that is beyond measure.
And all this brings home to me if I work at deepening my awareness and am open to the AHAs – I can change how I experience my life! What AHAs have you had that have changed your life?

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With the greatest love - till next time

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