Wednesday, 16 January 2013

The Rough Rub of Resistance

The Rough Rub of Resistance

Oh, boy… the twists and the turns of the journey are really reflected for me in the quote above.  I have been avoiding writing, mostly because I am grappling with resistance within me right now and knowing that what I am dealing with would be perfect to write about in my blog.
I am very fortunate to have some special people in my life who really value me and hold a tension, a space for me where I HAVE to look at myself as they mirror back to me how they experience me.  This is done with the greatest love as they take a stand for my greatness.  And the mirror is sometimes hard to look at.  Sometimes I am shown things that I have not been aware of before, and sometimes I am shown things that I don’t want to see, some things that I don’t like about myself. And yes, I can choose to ignore them and just supress them, or I can choose to really look at them and work with them. 
And this happened just the other day – a mirror was held up to me and I resisted BIIIIGGGG time! I knew I needed to look at it if I want the results in my life to be different.  In this particular aspect of my life, I keep experiencing results that are way less than desirable and yet when it comes to really looking at what is going on, I wriggle and squirm and I go into huge denial  with huge resistance  as I am having to face a truth about myself that I have not seen before.  I experience this resistance as a physical thing, I have all these reactions in my body where I feel like I want to push away the energetic force of the words that are being said to me.  I feel uncomfortable and fearful and confused  and most of all I just felt like vomiting – afterall I am feeling as though in some aspects I have been living a lie and I don’t want to acknowledge that. 
One of the things that I do believe I am, is courageous and so I let myself squirm and feel totally out of my comfort zone – not liking at all what I was hearing and in some respects feeling like there was something wrong with me (tapping straight back into my old patterns of feeling like I am not good enough).  The courage comes in acknowledging the harsh reality of what I have created and where I am at and looking at what is actually going on, really feeling those uncomfortable feelings and then working with them. And with this comes the knowing that what I am feeling is actually a part of my healing, that I need to experience what I am feeling in order to heal and to grow – it is a vital part of the journey! Make no mistake about it, I need to FEEL the resistance so that I can grow!!
Some of the processing that I do is to look at where in my life I experienced this feeling first , not as a means of laying blame, but rather as a point to support me in changing my mind.  Let me expand further.  When I look at how I am being and compare myself to my sister, who was brought up by the same parents, and see how different she is in her being, I can see that the blame does not lie with our parents but rather in that I made a choice as to how what I was experiencing would impact me, just as she made a choice – just a different one.  And in recognising that I made a choice at that point in my life, this means I have a choice in making it different now too.
And in that comes the understanding that all I have to do is change my mind and in the changing of my mind, I can then shift the results I am experiencing in my life. It is as simple as that – never said it was easy but it is simple.  So that’s where I am at right now… in the grappling with my ego to change my mind, and I work on it in my own way, I journal, I meditate, I talk it through with people who hold a safe space for me….  And for me this one is huge, so I am seeing it as a process. When I make that real shift and really DO change my mind, the implications will be profound for me. And I don’t feel like it’s far away, I feel like I have a stronger purpose, that my intent is clearer so that I can take more direct action and that I am taking a deeper level of responsibility for how I am experiencing my life. I can feel that I am becoming more focused and more directed in the results that I want in my life. It’s a deep internal feeling that has the sharpness of an arrow that when directed and unleashed will take me exactly to where I want to be.
I love and I honour those of you who have been sharing this particular resistance to my hearing some truths about myself  and thank you for seeing the greatness in me and creating a space for me to take my own stand for my own greatness. This connection that we have is sacred and is what makes the journey so profoundly magical!

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With the greatest love - till next time


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