The Rough Rub of Resistance
Oh, boy… the twists and the turns of the journey are really reflected for me in the quote above. I have been avoiding writing, mostly because I am grappling with resistance within me right now and knowing that what I am dealing with would be perfect to write about in my blog.
I am very fortunate to have some special people in my life who really value me and hold a tension, a space for me where I HAVE to look at myself as they mirror back to me how they experience me. This is done with the greatest love as they take a stand for my greatness. And the mirror is sometimes hard to look at. Sometimes I am shown things that I have not been aware of before, and sometimes I am shown things that I don’t want to see, some things that I don’t like about myself. And yes, I can choose to ignore them and just supress them, or I can choose to really look at them and work with them.
And this happened just the other day – a mirror was held up to me and I resisted BIIIIGGGG time! I knew I needed to look at it if I want the results in my life to be different. In this particular aspect of my life, I keep experiencing results that are way less than desirable and yet when it comes to really looking at what is going on, I wriggle and squirm and I go into huge denial with huge resistance as I am having to face a truth about myself that I have not seen before. I experience this resistance as a physical thing, I have all these reactions in my body where I feel like I want to push away the energetic force of the words that are being said to me. I feel uncomfortable and fearful and confused and most of all I just felt like vomiting – afterall I am feeling as though in some aspects I have been living a lie and I don’t want to acknowledge that.
One of the things that I do believe I am, is courageous and so I let myself squirm and feel totally out of my comfort zone – not liking at all what I was hearing and in some respects feeling like there was something wrong with me (tapping straight back into my old patterns of feeling like I am not good enough). The courage comes in acknowledging the harsh reality of what I have created and where I am at and looking at what is actually going on, really feeling those uncomfortable feelings and then working with them. And with this comes the knowing that what I am feeling is actually a part of my healing, that I need to experience what I am feeling in order to heal and to grow – it is a vital part of the journey! Make no mistake about it, I need to FEEL the resistance so that I can grow!!
Some of the processing that I do is to look at where in my life I experienced this feeling first , not as a means of laying blame, but rather as a point to support me in changing my mind. Let me expand further. When I look at how I am being and compare myself to my sister, who was brought up by the same parents, and see how different she is in her being, I can see that the blame does not lie with our parents but rather in that I made a choice as to how what I was experiencing would impact me, just as she made a choice – just a different one. And in recognising that I made a choice at that point in my life, this means I have a choice in making it different now too.
And in that comes the understanding that all I have to do is change my mind and in the changing of my mind, I can then shift the results I am experiencing in my life. It is as simple as that – never said it was easy but it is simple. So that’s where I am at right now… in the grappling with my ego to change my mind, and I work on it in my own way, I journal, I meditate, I talk it through with people who hold a safe space for me…. And for me this one is huge, so I am seeing it as a process. When I make that real shift and really DO change my mind, the implications will be profound for me. And I don’t feel like it’s far away, I feel like I have a stronger purpose, that my intent is clearer so that I can take more direct action and that I am taking a deeper level of responsibility for how I am experiencing my life. I can feel that I am becoming more focused and more directed in the results that I want in my life. It’s a deep internal feeling that has the sharpness of an arrow that when directed and unleashed will take me exactly to where I want to be.
I love and I honour those of you who have been sharing this particular resistance to my hearing some truths about myself and thank you for seeing the greatness in me and creating a space for me to take my own stand for my own greatness. This connection that we have is sacred and is what makes the journey so profoundly magical!
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With the greatest love - till next time