The First Step
And this is it - that first step!! What first step, you may well ask - have there not been many steps before? Well yes, there have of course..... however, this is the first step in this new part of my journey and is incredibly significant for me because I have been feeling stuck - seriously, fearfully, stuck in the mud, stuck - and then, suddenly, today I am feeling able to move forward!!
So, what's been going on? I am in a new place in my life - a space where I am open to explore the possibility of being a massive creator, a real alchemist in my own life (watch this space for more on personal alchemy!!). And even though I have created this, I have not taken any outwardly noticeable action. One of the most significant aspects of my life that I have have created in this space of alchemy, is that the work that I have been doing is coming to an end. It has been what has put the bread and butter on the table for a while. Funny how these things come to an end when you KNOW you should be doing something that is more likely to make your soul sing (don't you love that phrase????) and yet you are doing something else, because it is there to pay the bills!! So I was made aware that this change was happening in my work some time ago and yet I did not move - I didn't appear to be taking any action. I know what I want to do. I know what makes my soul sing. I know I have found my voice - my reason for being at this time!! And yet I got stuck - real fear making, money's running out, stuck!! And the work that makes my soul sing, the work that I am good at, is all about this, it's all about working with people to become unstuck!! Ha! Ha! Pure irony!! And here I am apparently sabotaging what it is that I really want to do - what will make me light up and make me feel like I have wings!! Here I have created the perfect opportunity to shift my life, to shift what I have been experiencing and then when I am presented with it - BOOOOOMMMMMM!!! - bugger all, nada!!!!
And of course that's the critical side of me making this judgement because it's not that there had been nothing going on - there has been plenty going on - some of it a conscious processing of where I am at and looking at the patterns and drivers behind my behaviour so that I can transform my life meaningfully, some of it has been allowing for some SERIOUS distraction in the form of exploring being in realtionship with men again after a very long time (a whole other discussion for another time :) ) - and consciously allowing the distraction because I know it is good for me - it has allowed me to explore myself on a whole other level and deepen my understanding of myself, allowing me to heal on so many levels and therefore allowing me to deepen my ability to support others in their healing too!! This "work" has been going on on a daily basis (with the most profound support from my best friend) - healing work and very necessary for me to evolve as a human being. And in this, I choose to ignore the judgemental voice and know that through immersing myself in this processing, that this is all a part of the journey that has brought me to where I am now - in a position to take the first step in the new direction of my journey.
And despite this knowing and understanding, I have been aware through this last week, how much I have been procrastinating taking action in moving forward in my new journey to explore working more with what fuels my passion - engaging with people rather than a computer for 8 hours a day. I have felt miserable and fragile and have allowed myself to feel overwhelmed. The whys are many and I have allowed myself to really feel them and explore them!! On the other hand I do have a number of ideas to look at and action on - I really do feel that I will probably have a number of projects I'm working on at the same time, with a number of streams of income coming from these projects..... and..... I have felt overwhelmed, unsure, scared and not feeling like I want to do this on my own yet again!! All together now, let's hear you say it in true South African fashion.... Shaaaammmmmeee!!! Yep! I was feeling downright sorry for myself - not necessairly a bad thing because as I am becoming more and more aware, I can look at what is really driving this and then see what I choose to shift, how I change my energy and therefore change my experience!! So I don't get to wallow in that self pity for long :)!!!
And then today,I made a key decision - I allowed myself to be vulnerable with someone who is important to me, where I had not been vulnerable before - I had not been totally authentic, and had kept these perceived "negative" feelings hidden. By doing that, by sharing authentically and being real in a way I had not been before, and with no expectation of a particualr response, it feels like a whole lot of weight has been shifted off my shoulders, my energy is lighter and calmer and suddenly the universe provided me with some very loud and clear messages - simple ones that I know and yet let my fears and old patterns overshadow. My messages today were in the form of email feeds that I receive (The Daily Love and en*theos - these link directly to the relevant articles) and they were both about taking things one step at a time, about not needing to be at the "destination" straight away, about tip-toeing past my fears by taking the first step, about taking the first step in the new direction in my journey. So this is it!! My first step! Getting my blog going - an idea that I have been toying with for a looooong time - I have had the name and the picture ready for a a couple of months!! My blog is about this part of my journey as a human being, and perhaps it will be part fo your journey too, as we share this part of the journey together!! Phew!!!! It feels fantastic to have got off my arse and started !!! Till next time.
With the greatest love
P.S. Watch this space for my website next week, which will tell you give you the details of the work that I do called Personal Alchemy!!