Engaging my Inner Child

Engaging my Inner Child

Ahh, yes, we say, yes…. get in touch with your inner child…. Hmmmm…. So what is this all about… we say it and nod our heads sagely and agree that this is something that we should do… but what does it really mean and why is it coming up for me right now??

 

Just in the past week, the idea of getting in touch with my inner child (my young me) has come up in VERY different environments and with very different experiences.  And why do I think it’s important, important enough to share? My thinking is that the more I can engage with my inner child, the more I can heal and the more I can grow.  So how is this manifesting for me right now?? 

 

As some of you know, my friend Tonia and I run Conscious Conversations (a structured conversational experience for women) and when we were planning this last week’s session, I had this strong feeling that we should be engaging our inner child…. And as the universe would have it, it was woven into our evening in the most magical way, through our meditation, through our discussion on what freedom really means and through our picking something to do from our freedom list to do this week.  I chose to have some time to play with water this week (I am a waterbaby of note, so love things I can do in the water!!).  So I started off the week, not quite sure how I wanted to play with water and then on Tuesday inspiration struck… yes my inner child jumped up and down shouting: “Listen to me!! Listen to me!!! “ It was my birthday on Wednesday and what she was saying was: “Go and play, have fun….. go to the waterslides in Muizenberg !!!”  Yes,  I love the waterslides, the sense of freedom, the space to just let go and be carried along and to get out of my headspace!! And of course not only was my inner child delighted, so were my kids and they had me playing with them all afternoon!!  I realise that I don’t play often enough, that I don’t give myself the space to allow myself to have the freedom to just be for a while, engaging in the moment – it was a glorious way to celebrate my birthday!!

 

And the universe works in magical ways – these are not random happenings, they do happen for a reason and we get what we need to deal with. All this playing with my inner child gave me the space to explore another aspect of my inner child, which in turn gave me an insight into myself that I have been aware of but have not really engaged with before.  This has to do with my upbringing and with how I felt I was treated (bearing in mind that there is no blame here, only an awareness of my feelings as a child) So, in the deep, dark of that same night, when I couldn’t sleep and feeling like I had had a lovely birthday, I found myself engaging with all these feelings from my childhood and really getting into touch with what that little girl felt and how she still feels today.  I felt how she was feeling physically and I could see her so clearly. And in that moment  I experienced a great deal of emotion, emotion that was a physical thing, I could feel it coursing through my body with the predominant emotion being anger, with probably the greatest of the anger being directed at myself – anger at really experiencing the realisation (rather than being in my head about it) that I had allowed myself to be treated in this manner, that I had allowed others to treat me as someone less, as someone who was not quite good enough, as someone who could never quite get it right.  I could feel the little girl inside of me getting very MAD about it all and could feel a very real feeling of wanting to SCREAM out in rage.  I didn’t actually scream then AND I will access that rage and I will vent it in a space that is safe for me (and others) to really RAGE.  My sense is that once I start engaging this little girl in me that I will release some old blocks, blocks that impact many aspects of my life, blocks that I have created to hide myself behind – this feels like something momentous for me, like this is one of those watershed moments.

 

And as I am busy writing this I have a further AHA!!  I realise that the more I play with my inner child, the more I can access the hurting inner child, the more I can heal myself…… aren’t we amazing beings…..

 

And to add....

*Note to self…… this blog was written a month ago and not posted…. Something in that to explore when I consider how much I enjoy writing this blog, why have I not found the time to write…..*

 

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With the greatest love - till next time
Kim
xxxx



The Rough Rub of Resistance

The Rough Rub of Resistance

 

Oh, boy… the twists and the turns of the journey are really reflected for me in the quote above.  I have been avoiding writing, mostly because I am grappling with resistance within me right now and knowing that what I am dealing with would be perfect to write about in my blog.

 

I am very fortunate to have some special people in my life who really value me and hold a tension, a space for me where I HAVE to look at myself as they mirror back to me how they experience me.  This is done with the greatest love as they take a stand for my greatness.  And the mirror is sometimes hard to look at.  Sometimes I am shown things that I have not been aware of before, and sometimes I am shown things that I don’t want to see, some things that I don’t like about myself. And yes, I can choose to ignore them and just supress them, or I can choose to really look at them and work with them. 

 

And this happened just the other day – a mirror was held up to me and I resisted BIIIIGGGG time! I knew I needed to look at it if I want the results in my life to be different.  In this particular aspect of my life, I keep experiencing results that are way less than desirable and yet when it comes to really looking at what is going on, I wriggle and squirm and I go into huge denial  with huge resistance  as I am having to face a truth about myself that I have not seen before.  I experience this resistance as a physical thing, I have all these reactions in my body where I feel like I want to push away the energetic force of the words that are being said to me.  I feel uncomfortable and fearful and confused  and most of all I just felt like vomiting – afterall I am feeling as though in some aspects I have been living a lie and I don’t want to acknowledge that. 

 

One of the things that I do believe I am, is courageous and so I let myself squirm and feel totally out of my comfort zone – not liking at all what I was hearing and in some respects feeling like there was something wrong with me (tapping straight back into my old patterns of feeling like I am not good enough).  The courage comes in acknowledging the harsh reality of what I have created and where I am at and looking at what is actually going on, really feeling those uncomfortable feelings and then working with them. And with this comes the knowing that what I am feeling is actually a part of my healing, that I need to experience what I am feeling in order to heal and to grow – it is a vital part of the journey! Make no mistake about it, I need to FEEL the resistance so that I can grow!!

 

Some of the processing that I do is to look at where in my life I experienced this feeling first , not as a means of laying blame, but rather as a point to support me in changing my mind.  Let me expand further.  When I look at how I am being and compare myself to my sister, who was brought up by the same parents, and see how different she is in her being, I can see that the blame does not lie with our parents but rather in that I made a choice as to how what I was experiencing would impact me, just as she made a choice – just a different one.  And in recognising that I made a choice at that point in my life, this means I have a choice in making it different now too.

 

And in that comes the understanding that all I have to do is change my mind and in the changing of my mind, I can then shift the results I am experiencing in my life. It is as simple as that – never said it was easy but it is simple.  So that’s where I am at right now… in the grappling with my ego to change my mind, and I work on it in my own way, I journal, I meditate, I talk it through with people who hold a safe space for me….  And for me this one is huge, so I am seeing it as a process. When I make that real shift and really DO change my mind, the implications will be profound for me. And I don’t feel like it’s far away, I feel like I have a stronger purpose, that my intent is clearer so that I can take more direct action and that I am taking a deeper level of responsibility for how I am experiencing my life. I can feel that I am becoming more focused and more directed in the results that I want in my life. It’s a deep internal feeling that has the sharpness of an arrow that when directed and unleashed will take me exactly to where I want to be.

 

I love and I honour those of you who have been sharing this particular resistance to my hearing some truths about myself  and thank you for seeing the greatness in me and creating a space for me to take my own stand for my own greatness. This connection that we have is sacred and is what makes the journey so profoundly magical!

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With the greatest love - till next time

Kim
xxxx



Bridging the Chasm of Disconnection

Bridging the Chasm of Disconnection

 

 

My take on relationships (of any sort) is that they are a very necessary part of the magic of the human journey - they are probably the things that we grapple with most and can learn from best, and yet, so often, we conduct our relationships with a such a lack of awareness of the other person/people and then still wonder why they don't work!!

 

It is this space of awareness in relationships that I am exploring and realising how much I assume and how much I let the "stories" in my head create these assumptions that may or may not be correct. And then when I operate from these assumptions, I am not operating in awareness of the other person and then, oh boy! the shit can hit the fan!!! And sometimes the results of operating in this space of being less consciousness can create less than desirable results in the relationship - it can cause hurt, misunderstanding and a real disconnection.....

 

Just the other day, I found myself in this space of disconnection, without even knowing how I had got there (lack of awareness and operating under my own assumptions - I saw in hindsight). I was taken aback, I had caused someone huge pain, and had made them feel really angry and unsupported, and I did all that with a total lack of awareness.  It took me a while to realise that was something not working but I was unsure of what the hell was going on.  Once there was a opportunity to ask what was going on, there was not the space to discuss it and I had to walk away from it for a period. Now, this relationship is very important to me and while my style is to engage and grapple with what's going on right away rather than sit and stew and create all sorts of scenarios in my head, I had to give up on that and walk away from the situation (only overnight - so not that long!!).  It is not easy for me to walk away for a bit, at the same time, because this relationship is that important to me, I found that in the period that I had before we could talk about what was going on, that I consciously gave myself the time to become aware of the other person and  in this space of wanting to be more aware to consider what might work when we did get to engage about what had happened.

 

It is a beautiful thing when we can work through these disconnections together and create a bridge over this chasm is created when we disconnect.  The reality is that things will crop up in relationships, buttons will be pushed, we will hurt others, we will be hurt.... the magic lies in how we manage these issues, so that we don't end up with a chasm that divides us totally. 

 

So, with having had the time to process, when we were able to create the space to engage with each other, I felt able to ask what was really happening for the other person, and then I could could look at what responsibility I had in creating the disconnect that had happened and then to look at what I could do in the future so that I do not cause the same hurt again - to strive to work from a space of conscious awareness of myself in relationship with the other person. It is magical to be part of a relationship where we want things to work, where we are prepared to give the other person the space to express themselves, without the need for it to be a ranting or blaming session, where we can both look at where our responsibility lies in what happened and to look at how we can manage it differently in future.

 

And in engaging in this way, that is gentle, seeking to deepen our awareness of the other person and also ourselves, and focusing on how what we have learned to make things work better in future, that we were able to move into a space that feels more intimate and more connected - this for me is key for creating connected intimate relationships... this is the magic!!

 

So......how do you manage the disconnections in your relationships??

 

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With the greatest love
Kim
xxxx



Savouring the Journey

 

Savouring the Journey

I have allowed my life to be too busy lately to write my blog (which I love doing ) and was just wondering what that was about..... was it that I wasn't sure what to share?.... was it that I didn't want to share?.... was it that there are things happening that I have made more important?.....and out of this wondering I have now created the time to write....

 

And as I begin writing I realise that I am in a space of really savouring my journey. I have so many delicious things happening in my life right now - so delicious that the shitty things fade into the background (because by god, the shit does keep coming) - special things, and I am aware that I am taking the time to look at, and appreciate, and linger over what is happening right now..... it is those amazing, soul satisfying conversations that are happening more and more, it's the exploring of wonderous new connections and the beauty of old re-connections, it's the support that is coming to me in such a variety of forms (even my youngest son is seeing them and commenting on them), it's the exploring of new directions, it's the redefining of existing relationships, it's having time to spend with my loved ones, it's sundowners on Kommetjie beach........... these are the things that make my life rich, these are the things that feed my soul. And I realise that there are some things that are happening that feel so precious and so deeply sacred that I am not ready to share them yet... that I want to nuture them and give them space to flourish, as I know they are having a profound impact at a such a deep level for me in a way that I have only dreamed of..... sounds good, right?!!! And I realise that in this space of reflection that I am in a space of feeling really settled in myself, that I am in a state of quiet, yet joyous wonder, no matter what is coming my way.

 

And it's in this space of savouring my journey that I see the magic happening, not the KABOW in your face magic but the gentle, deep, knowing kind of wise magic, that lets me connect with me, where I am consciously taking the time to be aware of where I am at, to look at what is going on and to ENJOY - with that lingering sense that savouring brings - the beauty of what is happening in my life right now. 

 

I see how it has been necessary for me to create the space of reflection out of the busy-ness of my journey, to take the time to relish and delight in the special things that are nourishing me and to feel most of all the thing which we all yearn for - LOVE.... Love for myself, love for those who are such an integral part of my life...love from those who are in my life....love of my journey. Man, I love my life!!

 

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With the greatest love
Kim
xxxx



Why is it so hard to ask for support?



Why is it so hard to ask for support?



I am aware that I do not find it easy to ask for support, and that in the not asking that it is often to my detriment. I am often find myself sitting in my ugly, uncomfortable situation, rather than moving out of my comfort zone of "looking good" (even when I am feeling really shitty and miserable and stressed and......you get the feeling!!). It seems as though I would rather stay in that space of misery rather than asking for support, so that I can move into a space of feeling a whole lot lighter. It's like I have to be superwoman and do it all on my own - WHY???? WHAT FOR???

And I want to share an experience I had this week that has helped me shift some of this at deep inner level.  My son needed something and I was not able to provide it and I was really beating myself up about it - because me stewing in my point of view, as his mother, felt that I was solely responsible for him and I should (such a critical word) be doing the providing directly. Well, after spending quite a few hours like this, I had a function I needed to go to - so got in my car, not really wanting to go, and luckily I had the awareness to give myself the space to let some other options pop into my head as I drove along.  And one did, and I followed up on that gut feeling straight away and called this person, who I would not usually ask for support from.  

And the support was agreed to just like that - no resistance whatsoever. Where I feel that I got it right, was I told the story from a space of acceptance, rather than please rescue me (this is key) - this is the reality of where I am at - and can you support me? - if you can great, if you can't, also great. And in that space of being vulnerable, yet authentic (because it is VERY hard for me to admit that I'm not being superwoman), the person I called stepped into the space and agreed to support me with what I was asking for.

And what I have come to really get from this experience - is that I AM supported, often in the most unexpected ways and from the most unexpected people and that there is nothing wrong in reaching out to others for support - that they actually feel valued when I do that.  And I get that, as humans, we need to support one another, both in the asking and the giving. AND that by allowing that support, that I still provided what my son needed, just in a different way.  That all the providing does not have to come directly from me. That I am actually being more powerful when I can ask for support when I am not in a position to give it.  What this also opened up for me is to be open to other possibilities and not to think that things need to be done in a certain way - and that when I live in the space of feeling that there are any number of ways to find a solution (rather than feeling like there is no solution and only a bad situation) - then amazing things can - and do - happen. Man, isn't this journey of being human wonderful??!!

Go on - have a support -filled weekend!

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With the greatest love
Kim
xxxx

Good, good, good vibrations!!

Good, good, good vibrations!! (can you hear the Beach Boys singing?!! - it's an age thing!!)

 

I have mulled this post over for some time before writing it because I am not sure if I am able to be clear on what I want to say...and so I may as well get going with it and see where it takes us......

 

I so love it when the book or the person with the messages that you need right now, just happen in your life - I find that keeps happening more and more for me. So....I have been doing a fair bit of reading and also having some quite intensive discussions with various people about taking action and what it really means.  I think many of us feel that we should be constantly taking action and doing, doing, doing till eventually things start happening the way we want them to happen.... or not... And it is in the reading and discussing that I have been doing, that I feel that I am getting another dimension to this - that unless, if how I am feeling about myself is positive and more in alignment with who I really am, then my vibration is going to negatively impact what I am trying to do. And out of this, all the action in the world is not going to effect any huge changes, things will feel like a struggle and it's going to feel as though I am paddling up-stream (metaphorically speaking of course). 

 

So unless my vibrations are in a space where I feel great about me and about what I want to do, I am going to meet constant obstacles, get stuck and sometimes even feel like I am going backwards.  If I can somehow change my feelings of fear or anger or irritability or any emotion that we perceive as negative (more about that shortly) to one of feeling good about myself, then my vibration changes and I am able to go with the flow of life and quickly things become easier, more accessible and I don't have to work so hard.  In that space, the action is then inspired, does not feel like something I have to do and miracles start to happen and I'm going downstream.

 

So the big question is "So how do I change how I am feeling, especially when I am in a shitty space and it's hard to feel good?" This is where I got a  lot out of Esther Hick's book, "The Astonishing Power of Emotions". What I realise is that I need to be aware of how I am feeling - and in that space of awareness to ask myself, "What's actually going on?" Then when I accept where I am at (for me, acceptance is key), I can then look at changing what I want ti change.  Before I carry on, I want to create some clarity about what we call negative emotions.  For me these negative emotions are direction indicators - they are telling me that I'm off track, that I'm going "upstream" and that I'm out of alignment with myself.  They are necessary because without the discomfort they bring, I would keep on getting the same old results and not know why they don't change.

 

So, in the awareness of where I am at and seeing that how I am feeling is not serving me, I can then start changing how I feel.  And to do this, I look at what I am thinking, and I gently start shifting what I am thinking. And as I start to consciously think more positive thoughts I start shifting how I am feeling and I feel my energy begin to shift - I'm moving into those good, good, good vibrations!! I find it easier (more believeable) to work through this slowly, so that I shift from the very negative, to something slightly less negative, less, negative, slightly more positive, more positive...... you get the drift ( it can be done in a matter of minutes) until I am working in the space of anything is possible. I find  that doing this gently keeps that critical, "yeah, right" voice quiet and am able to powerfully shift my energy.  And suddenly, I can breathe easier, life doesn't seem so hard and I find that I am going "downstream", things flow, ideas flow, the right people come into my life, I don't have to struggle at all, and I feel connected to myself and life is really good!

 

Simple - YES!  Easy - not always, AND it can be - it's as simple as changing your mind! I do find that when the "negative" feelings are more intense, that they are often old patterns that I have to to grapple with. However, I am aware that the more aware I am and the more I accept and work with these feelings, the quicker it is and easier it becomes for me to shift my energy.  And this is a constant process - Life will throw us these challenges and it is through how we are in alignment with ourselves and are able to correct our course, that life become effortless!!

 

And that's it for now, on this beautiful summer's day in my part of the world(downstream thought!!)

 

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With the greatest love

Kim

xxxx



Old friends....new friends....the loops in the journey....

Old friends....new friends....the loops in the journey!

 

I love the energy that writing this blog generates in me... and at the same time, I am aware that I have been dragging my heels and not getting anything written this week... Anyway, am in serious need of an energy shift - feel like I'm in a bit of a fug, so let's go with what comes up!! :)

Had a really interesting experience this week.  Met up with some old friends, ex-work colleagues actually (pre Cape Town days) - we go back many years and most of them I have not seen for a number of years. And what I was aware of was how much I have changed in relation to them.  I am not saying that they have not changed, what I am saying is that I realised how much I have changed in the last 5 years, how much I have shifted, how much my values have changed, how much my insights about myself have deepened, how my awareness and consciousness has shifted .... AND I had a fantastic evening - it was fun, light and we had lots of laughs and MANY reminisences.  The real value I got out of it, was in being able to be in the moment in all the laughter and joking and leave all my "stuff" behind.  I realise how important it is to do different things and have different experiences, so that I don't get STUCK in whatever my day-to-day situation is.  All in all a great evening - and worth repeating just for the fun of it!!

And then in total contrast - the very next day, I had this amazing conversation, with one of my not so old friends, someone who I have met since I moved to Cape Town 5 years ago. In our chatting, she was helping me work on shifting my energy - looking at my thought patterns and giving me different perspectives. And I realised how different this conversation was, which highlighted to me in a very different way, just how much I have changed.  I am aware that I need people like her in my life, to act as a mirror for me and to support me in getting to grips with LIFE - that I don't have to have all the answers all the time, that I have support all around me to help me get to understand my life a litle bit more. This conversation was deeply soul-satisfying, made me feel very connected to myself and to her. And I realised that this is where the power lies in the changes I have effected in myself - I have created bringing into my life the kind of people who I can have these kind of meaningful conversations with, who I feel connected to in a way I have not felt with people in the past.  And I know it is because of who I am being, that it is through what I have chosen to change within me, that I can now draw people like this into my life - people who "get" me, who resonate with me and who are consciously travelling this path along with me right now.  I love how I am experiencing life right now, even if it is hard at times, as I am getting the most incredible spiritual support, support in me exploring what it is to be human, in a way that does make my soul sing.

Neither the old friends, or the new friends are any "better" than the other, they serve different purposes and yet, in this contrast in what I experienced this week, I am so aware of my own transformation, my own access to my power, how I really connecting to me and raising my level of consciousness and how much my soul sings when I am able to connect with someone at such a deep level, as she supports me in my journey.  I am blessed with these amazing people who have come into my life, who are part of supporting me in raising my vibration, and who give me support in connecting internally - I LOVE my journey.

Have a great weekend, wherever you are in the world right now!!

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With the greatest love

Kim

xxxx