The Jewels of Darkness

The Jewels of Darkness

 

I am always so intrigued by the response I get from my blog.  One aspect that really underscores for me more than ever why I write this blog, is because of the response I get from those that know me personally.  Invariably someone will say something along the lines of “Shame Kim, it really sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment”, or  “It sounds like you are really grappling with yourself at the moment” (as though this is something unusual and something that is not good!!))…. I really feel the need to get this off my chest, so here goes!!!

 

My perception is that our social conditioning is all about looking good.  So when someone asks “How are you?”, the expected response is “I’m fine” (even when I’m not).  Both exchanges are completely meaningless and neither party really even thinks about what they are saying!! And yes I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to this standard way of greeting. We seem to live in this world where we need to been seen to be having these perfect, harmonious lives, with no worries, no relationship issues, no discordant relationships with our kids, no money worries, no work worries….. just these blessedly calm, peaceful lives which just go on as if there is are no rough seas and everything about our lives is totally blissful.

 

And what utter crap that is!!!! The reality is that life is not like that at all and nor is it meant to be.  It is filled with challenges and obstacles, and hardships and fun and laughter, and light too.  Now, perhaps if we were to look at these hard things that happen in our lives differently – as gifts, as jewels, as something that is actually precious.  My view is that as human beings we need these seemingly hardships for us to develop ourselves as human beings.  We need them to develop ourselves as spiritual beings, to connect with our higher power. If we take the time to reflect on what happens while and after we are going through a difficult time in our lives, how often do we find that we have changed in some way, usually with a deeper understanding of ourselves?  I do believe that we are given / create our challenges so that we CAN grow, so that we can expand ourselves as human beings.  We probably would do very little developing if we were not to experience any tough times and life was always on an even keel.  It is said that the bliss happens when we get out of our comfort zones and the same is true for us on an emotional level too. We often experience that blissful feeling AFTER something has gone wrong and we have worked through it in some way.  So perhaps we need the hard times to be able to experience the bliss, which to my mind makes the hard times the jewels!!

 

And so it is that I work at welcoming these tough times, no matter how I may resist them as they happen, how I may revert to victim mode at the time, I find that I am able to change the energy around what is happening and to look for what my learning can be in a situation, how I can do things differently, how I can change how I respond to situations and in this I am able to transform who I am being, how I am experiencing my world and how others are experiencing me.  And yes it is a work in progress!!

 

Just imagine how different our lives could be, if we were to openly embrace the bad times and the deep value that they bring to our lives.  Just think how differently we could support each other and how much more deeply we could connect with each other if we were ok with not being 100% ok in the current accepted sense. Imagine if being ok included all the challenges in our lives along with all the great stuff in our lives. And imagine if we really cared about how the other person is feeling and how you would feel if others cared about how you were feeling. Imagine being able to respond somewhat differently to the question “How are you?” with something way more meaningful than “I’m fine”.  Imagine if you could say, “Actually, I am feeling pretty sad today.”  And then to take it a step  further - if the other person could then say, “Want to talk about it?” “Or how I can I support you?” Or is there anything you need from me?”  (sometimes maybe all you need is a hug!) And just in changing that, we could change our relationships forever.  I believe that we could evolve as spiritual beings more meaningfully and could create an emotionally safer world for us all to live in.

 

Is this possible?  I believe so.  Many people probably operate in a state of numbness.  In other words they don’t really allow themselves to feel and experience what is going on in their lives.  They block off those “bad” feelings because it feels too hard to go there and can be quite scary and lonesome. However, if we were to make it okay to express how we feel, to “wear our hearts on our sleeves” so to speak, I wonder how freeing that could be for many, how less lonely it could be.  Imagine how different our lives could be if we didn’t need to suppress the “bad” stuff – the stuff that is the very essence of life, the stuff that really lets our light shine. And imagine the level of support we could open ourselves to by sharing where we are at, how much more quickly we could move through the dark times into the lighter times, and in that I wonder how much more joyous our lives could be? Imagine being able to continually process what you are going through as you interact with people throughout your day and being able to release the burden of feeling bad more quickly and not need to carry it around with you pretending that all is wonderful right now.  We have no idea of the extent of the richness of the wisdom we could tap into from all of those around us if we just were to be open to it….

 

And that is the very essence of this blog – it is what drives it and what fuels my passion.  It is about the authentic sharing of how I am feeling so that it creates a safe place for others to share how they are feeling. And in this I seek to change how we relate to each other, that I show that it is ok to share the struggles and the breakthroughs, the dark and the light.  And in some way it is working.  After every blog there is always someone who says “I feel that you wrote that blog for me, that you were speaking for me in a way that I am not able to speak.” If you look at what I have in my header for my blog – it really encompasses what this blog is all about …. This part of the Journey…

 

 

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With the greatest love - till next time
Kimxxxxx

 



The Comfort of Discomfort

The Comfort of Discomfort

 

I am one of those people who haven’t really held much store by setting goals in the past.  I think particularly of those New Year’s resolutions that I have set that have really been out the window by the 15^th of Jan!!  Totally useless and ineffective!! AND there are so many theories out there… don’t make the goal too big otherwise you might fail, or don’t make it too small otherwise you won’t stretch yourself……and so on and so on…

 

And I have to say that I am now something of a convert of setting goals.  When I look back at the goals that I set when I was on Change Starts With Me last year and where they took me and how effortlessly I achieved them and where I am right now with the goals I am working with.  I am clear that I have gone with my gut and am working with them in a way that works with me.  I have read quite a bit about working with goals and am really working with what resonates with me.

 

 

 

About 3 weeks ago I made a statement on this blog that I had set some goals and that one of my goals was to stick to my “rituals” I had created out of my reading.  Well, I am having a whole lot of fun in the discomfort that the focus on goals has brought me.  Firstly I am really excited with what I have achieved - I have achieved at least 6 of the goals I had set myself (and there is a lengthy list) – remember that they are all short-term goals – some of them achieved  before the date I had set and some of them on the date and some of them I had to adjust the date.  Another aspect that has amazed me is the opportunities that have opened up for me in such unexpected ways, or I have found that things that have been lying dormant have been re-activated and lots of action is happening around them.  My days have taken on a whole different dimension.

 

I have set goals in all aspects of my life and yes I am being moved out of my comfort zone in each and every one of those areas – some of it feels good, some of it is very uncomfortable.  What I am finding is that in my discomfort, I am learning more about myself and finding that I can manage that discomfort and not let it overwhelm me and actually use that discomfort to move myself away from where I have been so that I am in the process of creating something a whole lot different..  It brings up this determination to change what I am experiencing and make it work for me in a whole different way.

 

Perhaps the biggest shift  and most soul satisfying shift for me is in my personal energy – in how I am experiencing myself and  in how others are experiencing me.  I find that people are responding to me in a more connected way. In some ways it feels like I am more open and in that I draw people to me – more and more I find that strangers just start talking to me when we’re standing in queues or are walking around at the shops.  I can feel this shift in energy in a very tangible way.  I have this very definite experience of stepping into my power AND I also have this quiet assurance that I WILL make my goals happen – that my life is on a whole new exciting tack. AND in that I am making my life work at a whole different level (and yes there is a whole lot that still needs to shift and be worked through BUT the shifts are happening).   I am feeling grounded and there is a solidness to that feeling  that is very reassuring.  There’s a KNOWING that comes when I stand in my own power that gives me a space to really work with the discomforts that come up when I shift out of my comfort zone in a powerful, energetic way.  I find that I am finding ways to meet my goals in creative ways, using solutions that I would not normally have thought of.  I find that I am less resistant to other ideas from others – new ground for someone who lives in her head, so will look to analyse why something can or can’t work, instead of just seeing them as opportunities…..
 



 

 

 

One of the main reasons for doing this exercise was to see how I could make my life work differently.  And it is already working a whole lot differently in ways that are new and exciting and unexpected – am really looking forward to see what happens over the next couple of weeks as more of my goal deadlines approach.  And the comfort in all the discomfort is that things ARE changing for me in exciting ways and that I am in touch with aspects of myself that have been dormant for so long – this is all very powerful stuff which creates such shifts of energy that my life can no longer be what it was!!! I am also working at taking it to a whole new level – not just as a “let’s see where this takes me”, rather as a “how can I really make meaningful change in my life”…. So to sum it all up – yes, working with goals really works for me and in all of this change I am loving who I am being in this space I have created……..

 

 

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With the greatest love - till next time
Kim
xxxxx


 



Setting A New Course

Setting A New Course

And the challenge of getting over myself and getting on with my life and making it happen is reflected in my lack of blog writing and so it is time…. Time to move on…. Time to shift….. Time to start with something different… Time to get off my arse and get going….. Time to change the way I have been doing things…. Time to blog!!!! Ha! Ha! Ha!

I know there are many like me, who get stuck, who know they have to move, who are kind of comfortable in their very uncomfortable (dis)comfort zone ( get your head round that one!!!)  I have done some interesting reading lately and one of the things I read was “When the pain of being the same becomes greater than the pain of being different, you change” – (From Why is God Laughing by Deepak Chopra).  So the challenge of being aware that the pain of being the same is becoming too much, brings with it the query – How?  How do I change?  How can I get different results in my life?  What must I do to make things different?….

And in this space of feeling somewhat rudderless and drifting along with all my fears and discomforts, some things came my way which have helped me set a direction and have supported me in feeling like I have some direction and purpose again.…  And these have come in various forms…. I do some work for Gavin Coetzee and Associates and we are busy with his “Change Starts With Me” programme which is run for the public in all the major centres in SA.  As we have been focusing on this, I was reminded of the very valuable work that he does on these workshops and the HUGE changes I experienced after doing the course last year and what it was that caused those changes.  My neighbour leant me Robin Sharma’s “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” (it’s the concepts that he talks about that are so valuable…the story is not the important part). My partner had some tapes copied for me to mp3 format by Brian Tracy called Maximum Achievement…. And so the list goes on – I have been given some real clear messages from the Universe here – Kim, this is what you need to do to move forward.

What I am aware of, is that they are all saying very similar things about what tools you can use to get yourself going.  And in the writing of all this, what strikes me is that for many people these kind of practices are not something that we are taught from a young age to make a natural part of our lives. It seems that most of us we have only really discovered them as adults.  So these areas to focus on to make a difference in my life, on some level I know them – at the same time, I am aware that I need to be reminded of them which means that they are not something that are really a part of me yet – they still need to become so. In Robin Sharma’s book he talks about following the practices for 30 days because by then they have become a habit.

And the tools that I have drawn from all this collective wisdom that has come my way is the following:

-          The first step really is to make the decision and to do something about it

-          Set some goals - I have set some goals for myself. It seems that goals are key to creating shifts and begin the process of moving forward – all the rest is really in support of helping me achieve my goals and in creating a life that is more rich, energised and vital. I am aware that I resist the setting of goals, however what I do find that no sooner have a set them, than things start to shift in the direction I want them to go… it’s like a magic formula!!!  I work with the goals a number of times a day – I actually have them programmed in my calendar on my cellphone and I read and visualise them at least 3x a day!!  I have also set up a project plan where I plan for what I am going to do for each day towards each goal and look for how I can push myself out of my comfort zone.  There are all sorts of ways to look at goals.  I have some BHAGs (Big Hairy Audacious Goals) that have been around for some time, however I have felt intuitively that right now I need to focus on some short-term goals and as these start manifesting, to then look at my medium and long-term goals. It seems I need to feel those successes

 

-          Start my day reflecting what I am grateful for – it’s a warm, positive space to get the day going from

-          Take the time to meditate every day – to quiet my mind, to have a time of total silence, to connect with myself and my universal wisdom, to let go of “stuff” in my head, to allow the power of the sub-conscious to rise to the surface

-          Take the time to exercise every day – working with my body to energise and revitalise

-          Eat as much live, whole foods as possible – I find that the more I cut out the processed and junk foods, the more alive my body feels and my energy levels and vitality soar

-          Spend some time outdoors in nature everyday – there is something so grounding and recharging about doing this for me and of course I have the beautiful Kommetjie beach just down the road…..

-          Work with affirmations and mantras – I use these to negate the negative thoughts in my head – I spend time while I am driving or walking saying something positive about myself or what I would like to happen (as though it has already happened) and this leaves no space for negative thought patterns – this is something that I WILL change – it is one of my goals – yes the dark side will always be a part of me, however it will not be my comfort zone any longer – I will constantly use it to fuel change in my life

-          Read or listen to things that stimulate my mind, that get my creative side going and that feed my passions, nourishes me

-          Listen to inspiring music  - you can’t feel negative when you’re listening to good sounds

-          Look to do something different every day, even if it is to take a different route home – challenging when you live in as small a place as Kommetjie  J!!!

-          Laugh every day – I do some laughter yoga on my own – that in itself makes me laugh but it sure leaves me feeling great

-          Personal reflection – look at what is working and acknowledge it.  Look at what’s not working and put decide what to do differently

So with all this information/wisdom that I have had swimming around in my head and in wanting to make it all really work for me, I have created a daily ritual for myself that I am going to perform for the next 30 days (I have been kind of following it for the last week but have allowed some excuses to erode my discipline….) – so here goes, I am publically setting myself a new goal – to follow the daily ritual that incorporates all the above concepts for the next 30 days starting tomorrow 24 May 2013.  The aim is to shift myself from where I am now - I am very clear on what I want to change because I have set my goals – to be in a very different space in all aspects of my life.  And I commit to doing a check-in on my blog as to how I am doing on the 7^th June and then on the 30^th day which will be the 23^rd June.  Of course what I am looking for is to make these practices a part of my life and not just for the 30 days.  What this commitment to this daily ritual will require of me is discipline, it will require me to focus on what I am doing and to focus on my priorities and to plan my time …. Oh boy, do I resist these words or what???  At the same time, I am feeling way more optimistic and excited about what the next 30 days will bring than I have in a long time!!

And in the working with all this, I find that my creativity is being stimulated and I have some ideas that I am working on in supporting others to do something similar – exciting stuff and will keep you posted!!!
 
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With the greatest love - till next time
Kim
xxxxx

 

Those Life-Defining AHAs!!!!

Those Life-Defining AHAs!!

Have you ever had one of those life-defining moments – where something that’s been there all along just jumps up and smacks you in the face and you think AHA!! I just really GET it now!!

 

I had one of those a couple of days ago.  I was assisting on a Harlequin course – which is something that I do fairly regularly. I take my own development very seriously and the Harlequin work is a powerful experience to take yourself to another level. I always find such value in assisting as I feel I keep getting a deeper insight into myself each time – none quite so profound as this one though.

 

Christopher was talking about relationships, which to me is really what we as humans are here to experience, for it is through being in relationship that we really learn what it is to be human…. Anyway, I digress…. Christopher used the age old story about the toothpaste cap being left off  –  you know the one where we get our knickers in a knot (my words, not his) over the small stuff and it’s in how we choose to react to all the stuff that determines how we relate.  Now there are a number of ways to react to the “lid left off the toothpaste” scenario…  we talked of a number, including leaving the relationship…  And this is where I had my AHA! Christopher said something along the lines of that if you choose to leave the relationship, make sure it’s because it’s your choice and NOT because he “left the toothpaste cap off”!!  And KABAM!! I had that life defining moment , that AHA, that huge, momentous insight– I realised that even after all this time (I am talking years here!!) and all the personal work I have done, that I still blamed my ex for the break-up of our relationship!!  And in that moment I set myself AND him free!!  Oh yes, I had intellectualised that I took responsibility for my part in the breakdown of the relationship and it was all in my head – but deep down I still blamed him – he was at fault, it was because of all the things he did or didn’t do!!

 

It was very freeing to come to that realisation – in that instant I have changed my life, and his, and most definitely my children’s.  It means that I am coming from a very different space when I talk to him or about him and others will hear and sense that in my voice.  It creates a much more positive energy, a much safer space for my kids to explore their relationship with him. It gives him the space to engage with the children in a much more constructive space if he so chooses. They will all sense this and they may not necessarily know why or how, but they will feel the difference.

 

And I am also aware that I have not come to this realisation alone.  In a very real way I was primed for the realisation. My special relationship is one where the space is held very tightly for me to really look at how I am being and there has been plenty that has come up for me in the last couple of weeks around my ex for various reasons.  My partner would not let me wriggle off the hook, no matter how much I tried to abdicate a deeper level of responsibility in making sure that my children have a connection with their father and I realise that all my resistance, my anger and my tears were coming from a space of blame all along.  And he just held fast in his belief that I should not give up, that I have the responsibility to my children to shift and in the shifting make things work for my kids.

 

And I realise too, that in coming to this insight about me and in my freeing myself, it allows for a further deepening in our relationship too. It creates a safer space for both him and me, where he knows I will take responsibility for how I react to what goes on for me in our relationship.  And for the space that he holds for me I honour him – he stands for me acting in integrity for my own good and therefore for those around me too – that makes me feel valued in way that is beyond measure.

 

And all this brings home to me if I work at deepening my awareness and am open to the AHAs – I can change how I experience my life! What AHAs have you had that have changed your life?

 

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With the greatest love - till next time
Kim
xxxx



Engaging my Inner Child

Engaging my Inner Child

Ahh, yes, we say, yes…. get in touch with your inner child…. Hmmmm…. So what is this all about… we say it and nod our heads sagely and agree that this is something that we should do… but what does it really mean and why is it coming up for me right now??

 

Just in the past week, the idea of getting in touch with my inner child (my young me) has come up in VERY different environments and with very different experiences.  And why do I think it’s important, important enough to share? My thinking is that the more I can engage with my inner child, the more I can heal and the more I can grow.  So how is this manifesting for me right now?? 

 

As some of you know, my friend Tonia and I run Conscious Conversations (a structured conversational experience for women) and when we were planning this last week’s session, I had this strong feeling that we should be engaging our inner child…. And as the universe would have it, it was woven into our evening in the most magical way, through our meditation, through our discussion on what freedom really means and through our picking something to do from our freedom list to do this week.  I chose to have some time to play with water this week (I am a waterbaby of note, so love things I can do in the water!!).  So I started off the week, not quite sure how I wanted to play with water and then on Tuesday inspiration struck… yes my inner child jumped up and down shouting: “Listen to me!! Listen to me!!! “ It was my birthday on Wednesday and what she was saying was: “Go and play, have fun….. go to the waterslides in Muizenberg !!!”  Yes,  I love the waterslides, the sense of freedom, the space to just let go and be carried along and to get out of my headspace!! And of course not only was my inner child delighted, so were my kids and they had me playing with them all afternoon!!  I realise that I don’t play often enough, that I don’t give myself the space to allow myself to have the freedom to just be for a while, engaging in the moment – it was a glorious way to celebrate my birthday!!

 

And the universe works in magical ways – these are not random happenings, they do happen for a reason and we get what we need to deal with. All this playing with my inner child gave me the space to explore another aspect of my inner child, which in turn gave me an insight into myself that I have been aware of but have not really engaged with before.  This has to do with my upbringing and with how I felt I was treated (bearing in mind that there is no blame here, only an awareness of my feelings as a child) So, in the deep, dark of that same night, when I couldn’t sleep and feeling like I had had a lovely birthday, I found myself engaging with all these feelings from my childhood and really getting into touch with what that little girl felt and how she still feels today.  I felt how she was feeling physically and I could see her so clearly. And in that moment  I experienced a great deal of emotion, emotion that was a physical thing, I could feel it coursing through my body with the predominant emotion being anger, with probably the greatest of the anger being directed at myself – anger at really experiencing the realisation (rather than being in my head about it) that I had allowed myself to be treated in this manner, that I had allowed others to treat me as someone less, as someone who was not quite good enough, as someone who could never quite get it right.  I could feel the little girl inside of me getting very MAD about it all and could feel a very real feeling of wanting to SCREAM out in rage.  I didn’t actually scream then AND I will access that rage and I will vent it in a space that is safe for me (and others) to really RAGE.  My sense is that once I start engaging this little girl in me that I will release some old blocks, blocks that impact many aspects of my life, blocks that I have created to hide myself behind – this feels like something momentous for me, like this is one of those watershed moments.

 

And as I am busy writing this I have a further AHA!!  I realise that the more I play with my inner child, the more I can access the hurting inner child, the more I can heal myself…… aren’t we amazing beings…..

 

And to add....

*Note to self…… this blog was written a month ago and not posted…. Something in that to explore when I consider how much I enjoy writing this blog, why have I not found the time to write…..*

 

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With the greatest love - till next time
Kim
xxxx



The Rough Rub of Resistance

The Rough Rub of Resistance

 

Oh, boy… the twists and the turns of the journey are really reflected for me in the quote above.  I have been avoiding writing, mostly because I am grappling with resistance within me right now and knowing that what I am dealing with would be perfect to write about in my blog.

 

I am very fortunate to have some special people in my life who really value me and hold a tension, a space for me where I HAVE to look at myself as they mirror back to me how they experience me.  This is done with the greatest love as they take a stand for my greatness.  And the mirror is sometimes hard to look at.  Sometimes I am shown things that I have not been aware of before, and sometimes I am shown things that I don’t want to see, some things that I don’t like about myself. And yes, I can choose to ignore them and just supress them, or I can choose to really look at them and work with them. 

 

And this happened just the other day – a mirror was held up to me and I resisted BIIIIGGGG time! I knew I needed to look at it if I want the results in my life to be different.  In this particular aspect of my life, I keep experiencing results that are way less than desirable and yet when it comes to really looking at what is going on, I wriggle and squirm and I go into huge denial  with huge resistance  as I am having to face a truth about myself that I have not seen before.  I experience this resistance as a physical thing, I have all these reactions in my body where I feel like I want to push away the energetic force of the words that are being said to me.  I feel uncomfortable and fearful and confused  and most of all I just felt like vomiting – afterall I am feeling as though in some aspects I have been living a lie and I don’t want to acknowledge that. 

 

One of the things that I do believe I am, is courageous and so I let myself squirm and feel totally out of my comfort zone – not liking at all what I was hearing and in some respects feeling like there was something wrong with me (tapping straight back into my old patterns of feeling like I am not good enough).  The courage comes in acknowledging the harsh reality of what I have created and where I am at and looking at what is actually going on, really feeling those uncomfortable feelings and then working with them. And with this comes the knowing that what I am feeling is actually a part of my healing, that I need to experience what I am feeling in order to heal and to grow – it is a vital part of the journey! Make no mistake about it, I need to FEEL the resistance so that I can grow!!

 

Some of the processing that I do is to look at where in my life I experienced this feeling first , not as a means of laying blame, but rather as a point to support me in changing my mind.  Let me expand further.  When I look at how I am being and compare myself to my sister, who was brought up by the same parents, and see how different she is in her being, I can see that the blame does not lie with our parents but rather in that I made a choice as to how what I was experiencing would impact me, just as she made a choice – just a different one.  And in recognising that I made a choice at that point in my life, this means I have a choice in making it different now too.

 

And in that comes the understanding that all I have to do is change my mind and in the changing of my mind, I can then shift the results I am experiencing in my life. It is as simple as that – never said it was easy but it is simple.  So that’s where I am at right now… in the grappling with my ego to change my mind, and I work on it in my own way, I journal, I meditate, I talk it through with people who hold a safe space for me….  And for me this one is huge, so I am seeing it as a process. When I make that real shift and really DO change my mind, the implications will be profound for me. And I don’t feel like it’s far away, I feel like I have a stronger purpose, that my intent is clearer so that I can take more direct action and that I am taking a deeper level of responsibility for how I am experiencing my life. I can feel that I am becoming more focused and more directed in the results that I want in my life. It’s a deep internal feeling that has the sharpness of an arrow that when directed and unleashed will take me exactly to where I want to be.

 

I love and I honour those of you who have been sharing this particular resistance to my hearing some truths about myself  and thank you for seeing the greatness in me and creating a space for me to take my own stand for my own greatness. This connection that we have is sacred and is what makes the journey so profoundly magical!

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With the greatest love - till next time

Kim
xxxx



Bridging the Chasm of Disconnection

Bridging the Chasm of Disconnection

 

 

My take on relationships (of any sort) is that they are a very necessary part of the magic of the human journey - they are probably the things that we grapple with most and can learn from best, and yet, so often, we conduct our relationships with a such a lack of awareness of the other person/people and then still wonder why they don't work!!

 

It is this space of awareness in relationships that I am exploring and realising how much I assume and how much I let the "stories" in my head create these assumptions that may or may not be correct. And then when I operate from these assumptions, I am not operating in awareness of the other person and then, oh boy! the shit can hit the fan!!! And sometimes the results of operating in this space of being less consciousness can create less than desirable results in the relationship - it can cause hurt, misunderstanding and a real disconnection.....

 

Just the other day, I found myself in this space of disconnection, without even knowing how I had got there (lack of awareness and operating under my own assumptions - I saw in hindsight). I was taken aback, I had caused someone huge pain, and had made them feel really angry and unsupported, and I did all that with a total lack of awareness.  It took me a while to realise that was something not working but I was unsure of what the hell was going on.  Once there was a opportunity to ask what was going on, there was not the space to discuss it and I had to walk away from it for a period. Now, this relationship is very important to me and while my style is to engage and grapple with what's going on right away rather than sit and stew and create all sorts of scenarios in my head, I had to give up on that and walk away from the situation (only overnight - so not that long!!).  It is not easy for me to walk away for a bit, at the same time, because this relationship is that important to me, I found that in the period that I had before we could talk about what was going on, that I consciously gave myself the time to become aware of the other person and  in this space of wanting to be more aware to consider what might work when we did get to engage about what had happened.

 

It is a beautiful thing when we can work through these disconnections together and create a bridge over this chasm is created when we disconnect.  The reality is that things will crop up in relationships, buttons will be pushed, we will hurt others, we will be hurt.... the magic lies in how we manage these issues, so that we don't end up with a chasm that divides us totally. 

 

So, with having had the time to process, when we were able to create the space to engage with each other, I felt able to ask what was really happening for the other person, and then I could could look at what responsibility I had in creating the disconnect that had happened and then to look at what I could do in the future so that I do not cause the same hurt again - to strive to work from a space of conscious awareness of myself in relationship with the other person. It is magical to be part of a relationship where we want things to work, where we are prepared to give the other person the space to express themselves, without the need for it to be a ranting or blaming session, where we can both look at where our responsibility lies in what happened and to look at how we can manage it differently in future.

 

And in engaging in this way, that is gentle, seeking to deepen our awareness of the other person and also ourselves, and focusing on how what we have learned to make things work better in future, that we were able to move into a space that feels more intimate and more connected - this for me is key for creating connected intimate relationships... this is the magic!!

 

So......how do you manage the disconnections in your relationships??

 

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With the greatest love
Kim
xxxx