Those Life-Defining AHAs!!!!

Those Life-Defining AHAs!!

Have you ever had one of those life-defining moments – where something that’s been there all along just jumps up and smacks you in the face and you think AHA!! I just really GET it now!!

 

I had one of those a couple of days ago.  I was assisting on a Harlequin course – which is something that I do fairly regularly. I take my own development very seriously and the Harlequin work is a powerful experience to take yourself to another level. I always find such value in assisting as I feel I keep getting a deeper insight into myself each time – none quite so profound as this one though.

 

Christopher was talking about relationships, which to me is really what we as humans are here to experience, for it is through being in relationship that we really learn what it is to be human…. Anyway, I digress…. Christopher used the age old story about the toothpaste cap being left off  –  you know the one where we get our knickers in a knot (my words, not his) over the small stuff and it’s in how we choose to react to all the stuff that determines how we relate.  Now there are a number of ways to react to the “lid left off the toothpaste” scenario…  we talked of a number, including leaving the relationship…  And this is where I had my AHA! Christopher said something along the lines of that if you choose to leave the relationship, make sure it’s because it’s your choice and NOT because he “left the toothpaste cap off”!!  And KABAM!! I had that life defining moment , that AHA, that huge, momentous insight– I realised that even after all this time (I am talking years here!!) and all the personal work I have done, that I still blamed my ex for the break-up of our relationship!!  And in that moment I set myself AND him free!!  Oh yes, I had intellectualised that I took responsibility for my part in the breakdown of the relationship and it was all in my head – but deep down I still blamed him – he was at fault, it was because of all the things he did or didn’t do!!

 

It was very freeing to come to that realisation – in that instant I have changed my life, and his, and most definitely my children’s.  It means that I am coming from a very different space when I talk to him or about him and others will hear and sense that in my voice.  It creates a much more positive energy, a much safer space for my kids to explore their relationship with him. It gives him the space to engage with the children in a much more constructive space if he so chooses. They will all sense this and they may not necessarily know why or how, but they will feel the difference.

 

And I am also aware that I have not come to this realisation alone.  In a very real way I was primed for the realisation. My special relationship is one where the space is held very tightly for me to really look at how I am being and there has been plenty that has come up for me in the last couple of weeks around my ex for various reasons.  My partner would not let me wriggle off the hook, no matter how much I tried to abdicate a deeper level of responsibility in making sure that my children have a connection with their father and I realise that all my resistance, my anger and my tears were coming from a space of blame all along.  And he just held fast in his belief that I should not give up, that I have the responsibility to my children to shift and in the shifting make things work for my kids.

 

And I realise too, that in coming to this insight about me and in my freeing myself, it allows for a further deepening in our relationship too. It creates a safer space for both him and me, where he knows I will take responsibility for how I react to what goes on for me in our relationship.  And for the space that he holds for me I honour him – he stands for me acting in integrity for my own good and therefore for those around me too – that makes me feel valued in way that is beyond measure.

 

And all this brings home to me if I work at deepening my awareness and am open to the AHAs – I can change how I experience my life! What AHAs have you had that have changed your life?

 

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With the greatest love - till next time
Kim
xxxx



Engaging my Inner Child

Engaging my Inner Child

Ahh, yes, we say, yes…. get in touch with your inner child…. Hmmmm…. So what is this all about… we say it and nod our heads sagely and agree that this is something that we should do… but what does it really mean and why is it coming up for me right now??

 

Just in the past week, the idea of getting in touch with my inner child (my young me) has come up in VERY different environments and with very different experiences.  And why do I think it’s important, important enough to share? My thinking is that the more I can engage with my inner child, the more I can heal and the more I can grow.  So how is this manifesting for me right now?? 

 

As some of you know, my friend Tonia and I run Conscious Conversations (a structured conversational experience for women) and when we were planning this last week’s session, I had this strong feeling that we should be engaging our inner child…. And as the universe would have it, it was woven into our evening in the most magical way, through our meditation, through our discussion on what freedom really means and through our picking something to do from our freedom list to do this week.  I chose to have some time to play with water this week (I am a waterbaby of note, so love things I can do in the water!!).  So I started off the week, not quite sure how I wanted to play with water and then on Tuesday inspiration struck… yes my inner child jumped up and down shouting: “Listen to me!! Listen to me!!! “ It was my birthday on Wednesday and what she was saying was: “Go and play, have fun….. go to the waterslides in Muizenberg !!!”  Yes,  I love the waterslides, the sense of freedom, the space to just let go and be carried along and to get out of my headspace!! And of course not only was my inner child delighted, so were my kids and they had me playing with them all afternoon!!  I realise that I don’t play often enough, that I don’t give myself the space to allow myself to have the freedom to just be for a while, engaging in the moment – it was a glorious way to celebrate my birthday!!

 

And the universe works in magical ways – these are not random happenings, they do happen for a reason and we get what we need to deal with. All this playing with my inner child gave me the space to explore another aspect of my inner child, which in turn gave me an insight into myself that I have been aware of but have not really engaged with before.  This has to do with my upbringing and with how I felt I was treated (bearing in mind that there is no blame here, only an awareness of my feelings as a child) So, in the deep, dark of that same night, when I couldn’t sleep and feeling like I had had a lovely birthday, I found myself engaging with all these feelings from my childhood and really getting into touch with what that little girl felt and how she still feels today.  I felt how she was feeling physically and I could see her so clearly. And in that moment  I experienced a great deal of emotion, emotion that was a physical thing, I could feel it coursing through my body with the predominant emotion being anger, with probably the greatest of the anger being directed at myself – anger at really experiencing the realisation (rather than being in my head about it) that I had allowed myself to be treated in this manner, that I had allowed others to treat me as someone less, as someone who was not quite good enough, as someone who could never quite get it right.  I could feel the little girl inside of me getting very MAD about it all and could feel a very real feeling of wanting to SCREAM out in rage.  I didn’t actually scream then AND I will access that rage and I will vent it in a space that is safe for me (and others) to really RAGE.  My sense is that once I start engaging this little girl in me that I will release some old blocks, blocks that impact many aspects of my life, blocks that I have created to hide myself behind – this feels like something momentous for me, like this is one of those watershed moments.

 

And as I am busy writing this I have a further AHA!!  I realise that the more I play with my inner child, the more I can access the hurting inner child, the more I can heal myself…… aren’t we amazing beings…..

 

And to add....

*Note to self…… this blog was written a month ago and not posted…. Something in that to explore when I consider how much I enjoy writing this blog, why have I not found the time to write…..*

 

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With the greatest love - till next time
Kim
xxxx